


Helluva Boss Pilot: Gender Reverse

by KathyPrior42



Series: Rule 63 [2]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Rule 63
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:11:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26280166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KathyPrior42/pseuds/KathyPrior42
Summary: Relive the experience of watching the Helluva Boss pilot episode...now with gender reversed characters!
Series: Rule 63 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1914955
Kudos: 3





	Helluva Boss Pilot: Gender Reverse

Not too far away from Pentagram City lay a shady place in the bowels of Hell. “Welcome to Imp City: est. 1981” was posted on a worn wooden sign with a white painted eye toward the top. Under a crimson sky, a wide array of buildings made up the city, some with spikes on the roofs. Downtrodden imps of various colors and sizes mulled around the streets and ghettos. Mugging, sex, drugs, poverty, and murder were common aspects of their everyday afterlives. Indeed, being considered “lesser demons” and the “lowest of the low,” not very many had opportunities granted to them.

Well, save for a unique family of imps, trying to get their business running.

Just who were these imps?

A nearby screen showed old fashioned numbers ticking down, 3, 2, and 1 against red. 

Elektriza, a red and white faced imp appeared on stage in front of purple curtains. Elektriza smiled in front of the camera with a row of sharp yellow teeth, her eyes yellow with orange irises and black pupils. The left side of her face was red and the right side was white. A prominent black mark was visible on her forehead, looking like an upside down lotus. Her long curved horns were black and white, the horns curving inward toward her face like a ram’s. A dark navy blue business dress graced her form, orange-pink buttons going down the center of it. The collar of her dress was white and her red undershirt had a round pink pin with a stitched up face on it. Her dress had several tatters in it. Navy blue gloves covered her hands and wrists, with a yellow eye decoration on each one. She also wore matching cowgirl boots, the tips of them the same pinkish color as her pin. A red pointed tail with a few white spots on it excitedly swished back and forth behind her. 

“Hi there, I’m Elektriz, the “a” is silent, and I’m the founder of I.M.P.!”

The logo appeared in red sparkles over her outstretched left hand. “I.M.P.” was shown in bold black letters, the “M” shaped like black and white imp horns. Down below were words in red: “Immediate Murder Professionals.”

“Are you a piece of shit who got yourself sent to Hell?”

A small screen in the right hand corner showed Elektriza wearing a black cape and two black pointed hats on her horns. A monocle rested near her left eye. She was grinning in front of a burning house. The sign beside her read “orphanage for disabled neglected children.”

“Or are you an innocent soul who just happened to be fucked over by someone else?”

The next slide showed Elektriza in a white angel costume throwing a styrofoam cup into a waste bin next to a recycle bin. An old clerk with large glasses was working behind a desk in the background. Red pentagrams decorated the walls. 

The next clip showed a video of a tall muscular red demon talking in front of a camera. She was wearing a white shirt that read “Ohio” on it in red. A 666 News billboard was in the background along with a “Hella” sign and a beer poster. An imp held a wooden sign that read “Some person who hired us!”

The red demon spoke, “After lovingly killing my husband for fucking a delivery lady, you can imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the state of Ohio killed me.” She punched one of her hands with her meaty fist. “I really wish I could just stick it to that yapping charter who saw me hiding the body!”  
The scene cut back to Elektriza who was shown holding an ornate Satanic ritual book. She was in a room full of white candles and skulls scattered on the floor and a white clothed altar with a round mirror on it. 

Behind her were her two employee imps, Moxxia and Millard. Moxxia had white messy hair and black and white stripped horns curving back in a zig zag look. Several white tuffs of hair rested beside her cheeks on either side. She wore a similar dark navy blue business dress like her boss, with the pink buttons in the center and the cuffs of the sleeves white. Moxxia’s face was red, and her eyes were big and yellow. White freckles dotted near her eyes and an orange-pink bow rested on top of her head between her horns. Her red and blue curved hooves were visible, as was her red pointed tail with a couple of black stripes on it. 

Finally, there was the other imp, Millard. Millard had a red face like his wife Moxxia, and also had big yellow eyes. His hair was short, black, and wild on top of his head. A white spot in his hair took the shape of a skull. His tall long horns were black with faint white stripes on them. The horns curved slightly past the back of his head. Unlike the other two, he wore torn black jeans and a black crop top shirt that exposed his red shoulders. His clawed feet and red tail were visible as well. 

“Well luckily for you,” Elektriza mentioned, referring back to the red demon desperate for revenge, “Thanks to our company’s special access to the living world…”

She grinned and wiggled her fingers. 

Fwoosh!

A fast explosive sound was heard and a flaming portal appeared inside the candle circle. The impact sent the other two imps scurrying away. She walked over to the portal.

“We can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over when you were alive!”

She smiled and fell backwards into the portal.

The next image showed a white figure with an angry expression, arms crossed. A thought bubble was above the head with a red x over another figure. A red monster fell next to the startled figure. The camera panned up and showed the three imps arriving in a red circle. Millard stood with a spear in his hands, Moxxia held a gun and Elektriza stood with both her arms out. Elektriza’s arms made the “M” in the I.M.P. logo. 

The commercial jingle began:

“Who you want somebody gone  
And you don’t wanna wait too long  
Call the Immediate Murder Professionals”

Moxxia threw a grenade out the window, Elektriza and Millard covering their ears and smiling as it exploded. A picture of a growling Moxxia hung on the wall. 

In an office room, Elektriza grinned manically as she hung a struggling human from the ceiling. Millard held a piece of paper and showed it to Moxxia, who was sitting on a chair. On the wall was a flat screen TV, a rocker poster, and a drawing of Madam Zmeya, the snake inventor. 

Elektriza shocked a bond and gagged victim, Millard used a mace on another victim, while a scowling Moxxia choked a third.

“Whether grenade or cyanide  
We’ll make it look like suicide  
The Immediate Murder Professionals”

“We do our job so well  
Because we come straight up from Hell”

The next clip showed Elektriza mentioning for her partners in crime to follow her through a flaming portal in the wall. Millard happily followed, along with Moxxia, who tripped on a book as she ran through. The three imps appeared through the floor and did poses after Moxxia quickly stood back up. They fell silent as humans in a church service stared at them in shock. 

“We’ll kill your husband our your wife  
We’ll even let you keep the knife  
The Immediate Murder Professionals

Kids die for free!”

Millard was shown greedily eying a pink pair of ladies underwear while stabbing a naked couple having sex in bed. Moxxia groaned and looked away. Elektriza found a pair of boxers and help them up for a closer look.

Elektriza repeatedly stabbed another victim’s head in a chair at a circus in Hell. “The Elektriza Extravaganza” was shown in bold black letters on a sign.

The imps killed more people, torturing people with Medieval stretching, chasing victims with a shark, roasting them with gasoline and fire, smothering them with pillows, dropping a piano on them, and electrocuting them.

A little kid with white skin, brown curly hair, black pants and an orange shirt with a ringed planet on it was strolling along licking a pink ice cream cone.

Bang!

The kid fell to the ground after Moxxia shot her in the back. The imps looked at each other in shock, believing they had killed the wrong target. The kid was rushed to the worst hospital in the city, one where the doctors carelessly treated the kid and only cared about insurance money. The girl was rushed into the emergency room.

“Doctor, she’s not responding,” said a pink haired male, rapidly shaking the girl’s still form.

“Who ordered a stat?” asked a female with glasses. She gave the kid hard chest compressions. “It didn’t do anything!”

The doctor came in. “Damn it! We’re not losing another one! Clear!”

The kid received a shock to the heart and she gasped for air.

“Holy shit that actually worked,” the blonde spectacled doctor muttered.

The imps sat in the waiting room, just outside door 66. The doctor came out to see them.

“She’s in stable condition, but she’ll need surgery. Now what kind of insurance do you freaks have?”

“The fuck is insurance?!” asked Elektriza.

The imps, kid and bed were promptly sent crashing through a window, glass flying everywhere. Everyone screamed as they fell. Thankfully, a flaming portal was underneath them, sending the group back into Hell.

Moxxia and Millard later sang a murder love song in their living room before the meeting. Moxxia played on her purple guitar as Millard watched her with love in his eyes. It reminded them of the good times when they would shoot at demons together in the streets, when they dragged a bloody sack behind them and when Millard got a grenade as a present and used it to blow up a building.

Moxxia began:

“Oh what a thrill when the crimson starts to spill  
And my Millard goes in for the kill  
He takes away my breath  
He’s the angel of death, Millard  
Oh Millard”

“Everything is like a dream  
When I hear his victims start to scream  
When I go for the attack  
He’s always got my back, on guard  
Oh Millard”

“When the blood starts dripping down the sides  
And the bodies start to fall from the skies  
My heart skips a beat  
When my Millard’s guns a blazing in the night  
He makes me feel alive in every fight  
Through blood and tears, we’ll never be apart  
He makes the murdering fun from the start”

Both of them hummed before Moxxia finished,

“Of all the imps in Hell…it’s for him that I fell…”

Millard joined in at the same moment, “It’s for her that I fell…”

“Oh Millard.” 

They leaned in for a kiss.

They paused. Moxxia yelled, while looking out the window. Elektriza was pressed against the window with a video camera. 

“Are you fucking filming us right now?!” she yelled.

Millard glanced over and sighed, as a smiling Elektriza held up a sign which read “Meeting in 2 hours: nice job banging yo’ wife!”

Just before the meeting, Elektriza walked into the receptionist room. 

A white and grey male Hellhound was already there, Chandra the grumpy receptionist. He wore a grey-blue shirt with black strings making a downward Pentagram design at the top. His jeans were torn and black, his paws visible. He wore a spiked collar around his neck and rings on his pointed ears. His eyes were red with white irises and black pupils, eyes that seemed perpetually angry or bored. 

The rotary bone-shaped phone made barking sounds as it rang. The hound picked it up.

“Hello, I.M.P.” he said in a gruff monotone. 

“Me and my wife got stabbed! Somebody help…”

Chandra abruptly hung up and continued reading a Hellhound Monthly magazine in front of him. His breath smelled like meth and cigarette smoke. A hidden “to do” list in front of him read: “terrorize the werecats,” “go get a drink,” “hang out with cute Sobtiny at the hound rock concert.” He already imagined himself back in the comfort of his home, punching a punching bag with Moxxia’s face on it.

Moxxia stomped over to the Hellhound’s desk, holding a “chub be gone” paper in her hand. “Did you just send me an ad for weight loss?”

“No,” he replied.

“Why would anyone send me this?”

Chandra let out a small smile. “Come on. You know why.”

Moxxia sighed, “You’re just awful!” before she wondered over to get water.

“Hello Chandy!” Elektriza beamed at her adoptive son as she came over. “Did you enjoy my adoption anniversary present?”

“I already fucking told you,” Chandra growled. “It was a bunch of spiders and not a cure for syphilis. So no.”

“Aw don’t be such a liar,” Elektriza remarked in a playful tone. “Although I’m sorry that it happened, regardless.” Chandra growled out loud, clenching his claws. 

The phone rang again and Chandra answered it.

“Elektriz!” he called. “That clingy rich asshole’s on the phone! Says it’s urgent and wants to talk to you!” Then he muttered, “Sounds a little D T F y.” (Down to fuck). 

Moxxia walked back in, standing by Elektriza next to the water cooler.

“Oh god that was one time!” Elektriza called, spilling water everywhere. “We wouldn’t be able to have access to the living world, if I didn’t sleep with that privileged asshole!”

Moxxia paused, confused. “You what?”

“And…I may have stolen her book after we fucked. Man it was heavy. Yeah, I then fell off a balcony and landed in the king owl’s cake. Then I was like, ‘Sorry I fucked your wife!’” 

“Elektriz!” Chandra bellowed.

“I heard you already!” Elektriza shouted back. 

The head imp walked over to another desk and gulped down a cup of iced coffee. She took a breath and sighed in satisfaction. “Ah, this stuff never gets old! My horse Thumbtack agrees with me.”

“Your horse doesn’t exist,” Moxxia remarked. 

“Don’t you be mean to our boss like that,” Millard piped up as he walked over to Moxxia. 

“Don’t tell me that you believe her?”

“I just find it amusing that she changes her horse’s name every day!”

“That’s more like it,” Elektriza responded. “You see, we need more of Millard’s good spirits in all of us. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a certain someone to talk to before the meeting.”

Elektriza left and opened the door to her office, the one where “Elektriza” was written with the “a” crossed out. 

Moxxia huffed. “Great, now I don’t have my avocado salad for lunch because someone decided to eat it.”

She glared at Chandra who flipped her the bird. “I was hungover and hungry, alright?”

“Why would you get drunk on a workday anyway?” asked Millard to Chandra.

“Dumbass! I was hung over from this morning!” he replied.

“At least I don’t go around kicking babies in strollers,” Moxxia scoffed. 

“Just admit it, everyone knows you’re a white-haired loser, Moxxia.”

“So…” drawled Elektriza as she played with bobbleheads of Moxxia and Millard on her desk in her office. A circus poster hanging on the wall reminded Elektriza of the times when she performed with her two brothers, Tillo and Barb Wire. She was sitting in her chair holding her cell phone. “What can I do you for, Stola?”

An owl princess lounged on a couch in her palace, holding an old rotary phone with wings on it. Her eyes were large and red, her round black hat had a gold crown on it. The hat also had red markings similar to her eyes. Long silky black hair fell past her shoulders, brushing her grey feathery wings. Her chest was fluffy and a silvery grey. A portrait shown a picture of the royal family: Stola, her husband and their son, Prince Octavius. A red robe with a fur collar was draped over her. 

The princess spoke in a British accent. “There’s a doctor that’s causing trouble up on Earth for a few of my associates. He’s trying to convince people that the Covid 19 Pandemic exists and to take extra precautions.”

“Doesn’t it?”

“Well, yes, but more people die when they’re being careless and nothing’s done about it. And though I hate being lonely…it’s getting overcrowded here. Frankly, the global warming issue seems easier to deal with.”

“Okay well now that makes sense,” said Elektriza. A mug with “#1 boss” was on the desk.

“You know what happens when I’m lonely or stressed, Trizzy?”

“God fuckin damn it,” she muttered.

The owl grinned, her eyes glowing red, she spoke a lot of curse words and terrible things. “When I’m lonely, I become hungry. And when I’m hungry, I want to choke on that big red…of yours…lick your…bite with more teeth…until you’re screaming…like a fucking baby!”

A stunned Elektriza hung up from the “one night stand bird dick,” broke her phone in half, banged another phone on top of it, then mixed the pieces into a blender.

“Here, eat this,” Elektriza said to Chandra who came in. The Hellhound guzzled it down.

“And you know that bridge over the freeway?”

“Yeah?” asked the hound. 

“Shit off it.”

The imps currently resided in a tall office building that seemed to stand out among the other structures. Along with spikes jutting from the roof and sides, there were a pair of giant black and white imp horns attached to the sides of the building for decoration. The lights inside near the top floor were on. 

Posted on a door were the words “I.M.P. Headquarters” with “IMP Meeting in Progress” written on a piece of paper taped to the door, a smiley face off to the side.

On a white board was a bar graph and a line graph, the line graph pointing lower at a drawing of a raging horned demon. “Fix this shit!” was written in big bold letters that took up much of the board. “Elektriza is the best, by Elektriza” was scribbled off to the side. Several tall chairs with spikes jutting from the top boarders were set near a brown table in the center of the room. A white pentagram was drawn in the center of the table.

Elektriza began to speak, pacing back and forth. She looked toward her audience of two imps and a hellhound sitting on chairs around a table.

“All right, now I know business has been…a bit slow, lately.”

She mentioned to the board at the downward sloping line. “In fact, there seems to be less people seeking out our services; 1,056 in comparison to the 1,066 from last month. We’ve basically spiraled from the True Blue Market to that of the Raging Bull.” She pointed at the roaring demon head drawing on the board. 

“Shouldn’t it be the Bull Market is good and the Bear Market is bad?” said a voice.

“Moxxia, nobody cares what you think,” Elektriza said, before continuing. 

“Any decrease could spell disaster for us, not to mention how lots of people use our services and yet look down on us.” Elektriza cleared her throat and spread out her hands. “Now, I’m not saying it’s, *cough* Moxxia’s or anyone’s fault…”

Moxxia raised her eyebrows. 

Elektriza continued, “…but let’s discuss how we can improve. Now does anyone have any ideas on how to get business drumming up again?”

Millard, raised his hand with a grin and shining eyes. 

“What…about…a car wash?!”

“This is Hell, Milliard, no one cares about cars being clean here, okay?!”

Just then, there came a coughing from the other room. A small cyclops demon with hot pink hair with a patch of yellow opened the door and walked in. He brushed off soot from his white shirt and waved at the group, who stared in surprise.

“Hi, I’m Preppy! It’s nice to meet you all.”

He darted around the room and began removing cobwebs from the windows. “It looks like there are two women, a man and a dog here, a nice balance.”

Chandra, the grey hellhound glared at Preppy, narrowing his red eyes. “What was that, you little shit?” 

Preppy stopped in his tracks. “Now, did you guys need any cars to be washed?”

Elektriza shook her head. “We don’t have any cars here, we’re broke as fuck.”

Millard stared at Preppy and cupped his own cheeks with his hands. “Oh my Satan! He’s so adorable! Can we keep him?!”

“No!” Moxxia and Chandra shouted at the same time. The two workers then glared at each other.

Moxxia crossed her arms. “We’re in the middle of a meeting right now. Do you mind?!” She pointed to the door.

Preppy laughed nervously, “Oh okay, sorry about that, hehhehheh. I’ll be outside if you need me!” 

He scurried out of the room.

Elektriza paused for a moment, then said, “Oh right! Ideas for our company!” She waved her hands, eyes shining. “How about a billboard?!”

Moxxia crossed her arms. “We can’t afford a billboard, mam’.”

Elektriza rushed over and held Moxxia in a headlock. Her voice was rushed and sarcastic, “So helpful, Moxxia, I’m really glad you’re in the room right now.” She shoved Moxxia away. 

Elektriza stared in frustration. “Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?!”

She picked up a remote and turned on an old fashioned TV. 

After static appeared on screen, the footage showed the group killing off individuals. 

Elektriza bashing a red demon’s head with a mullet.

Moxxia shooting a blue person tied up to a chair.

Chandra grabbing a red person in his mouth and shaking the person side to side like a wolf.

Millard beheading a blue person with a spear and laughing. 

Elektriza watched with a relaxed smile on her face, holding up a blue bowl of popcorn. Chandra sat on the table, popping popcorn pieces into his mouth. Millard perched on the table, enjoying the show, but Moxxia stood off to the side with a grumpy face. 

Posters hung from the walls, one showing Elektriza and her two brothers, Tillo (an imp with short black hair) and Barb Wire (a smiling imp with ram-like horns.) It was a picture of them at a circus, the banner reading “The Amazing Imp Siblings!” Elektriza remembered the good times she had with them when they performed on stage. Barb Wire would balance on a tightrope, holding a pole with flames on either end. Tillo tamed and evaded manticores, dragons and other beasts that were released into the arena. Elektriza would sing songs about murdering people and they would all pose and bow at the end as the crowd cheered. 

That was before Elektriza moved on to form I.M.P., recruited Moxxia and Millard, and adopted Chandra. 

Elektriza moved a hand toward her chest and sighed with content. “Ah, those were good times.”

Moxxia spoke up as Millard ate a piece of popcorn. “We don’t need any reminding, mam’, considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week, one that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel, nobody watches!”

Elektriza turned her head, insulted. “Hey, uh, excuse me?” She stood up. “What’s “obnoxious” about a super fun jingle, all right? It’s a fun distraction when an advertisement’s spitting bullshit.” She walked across the room.

“People love musicals, mam’,” Millard added.

Elektriza smiled. “Exactly, Millard, and we’re basically doing a musical.” Elektriza did jazz hands before pointing rapidly at Moxxia with a scowl.

“Are you gonna crush my musical theater dreams like my mom did?” She lowered her head.

“Mam’…” Moxxia began, but her boss cut her off.

“Because right now, all I see is just my mom’s asshole talking to me, crushing my dreams of being, who I truly am inside.” She turned his head away.

Millard leaned in toward his wife and spoke with a teasing tone. “Are you trying to crush her dreams, Moxxia?”

“I…what?” she asked, looking at him. Millard leaned in close and stuck out his tongue, tail curling. “I thought I knew you.” Moxxia rolled her eyes; her husband loved to annoy her.

Elektriza turned back to Moxxia, tears in her eyes. “I can’t believe you, Moxxia. And after I made you Employee of the Month.” She held a picture of Moxxia with her mouth open in a roar, snake tongue showing.

Moxxia threw up her hands, “Okay, mam’ I’m sorry, but a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theater. Nobody actually likes the jingles.”

“I liked it!” Millard pipped up. 

Moxxia turned to him, finger shaking, “Do not…do not agree with her in front of me.”

Chandra sat, bored, playing on his phone. Moxxia’s head appeared on the screen but was crushed by a weight and then blown up by a bomb. At one point her face was sliced in half as “boom!” flashed across the screen. 

Moxxia spoke, hands forward in front of her. “I’d like to go on record and say that incident with shooting the kid was Chandra’s fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. It’s very simple.”

“Oh sit on some boobs, Moxxia,” Chandra replied without looking up.

Moxxia stuttered angrily, looking for a comeback. “You sit…sit on a…a…do your job!” She slammed her palm on the table.

Elektriza scolded her. “Hey, now we don’t blame our screw-ups on Chandra, okay? He didn’t do anything wrong.” She hugged him and nuzzled her head against his cheek, the hellhound growling at her to get off.

Moxxia stared in disbelief. “Are you kidding me, mam’? He’s awful!”

“The point is, Chandra is a valued member of our family and we don’t get rid of families.”

“We aren’t a family, mam’,” Moxxia pointed out. “You are the boss. We are the employees. You treat him like he’s some troubled teenager. He’s more like a meth-addicted homeless man you let run the phones.”

Chandra flipped her the bird.

“Now, that is offensive,” remarked Elektriza, walking to the window, pulling open the blinds. “Without homeless people, I wouldn’t have half the joy and laughter I do in this life.”

Outside, a homeless imp with a broken horn and ragged grey clothing held up a sign that read “Monee helps. Satan Bless.” An imp man with black clothing and little bat wings blushed at Elektriza who waved and did a playful raise of eyebrows before closing the blinds. 

Moxxia crossed her arms. “While we’re on the subject of “family,” can you stop finding me and Millard outside of work?”

“Come on, it’s not that big a deal,” Millard said.

Moxxia’s eyes grew wide. “Excuse me…what?! She was in our fucking fridge! She was spying on me while I was asleep. And worse, she fucking filmed me and you while we were singing and about to kiss!”

Elektriza giggled. “I still have it on camera.”

“It’s fine, honey,” Millard replied to Moxxia, patting her shoulder. “The “spoiler alert, butter’s spoiled!” was a funny use of wordplay Elektriza used.” 

“No way,” Moxxia countered. “I had a great dream about my parents being murdered and Elektriza interrupted it.”

“I was just curious,” Elektriza responded. 

“Just…stop…doing that,” Moxxia growled. 

“I don’t see what the issue is,” said Elektriza with a mischievous grin. “Something you don’t want me seeing?” 

“No!” Moxxia spat.

“Your shaggy flower blossoms?” Elektriza asked.

Chandra giggled under his breath.

Moxxia was fed up. “Mam’, what you say and how you act is totally inappropriate!”

Millard pulled her down gently. “Calm down, Mox, you’re gonna have another panic attack!”

“I am calm!” she yelled. 

Millard rubbed her head and soothed her. “Shh, there, there.” Moxxia whimpered.

Elektriza spoke again with a childish grin, making a hole with two fingers and tapping the opening with one finger. “Look, I don’t judge the boring couple stuff you do outside of work hours, so don’t judge me.”

Veins popped out of Moxxia’s yellow eyes. “Oh I do judge you, mam’. Quite a lot, actually.” She crossed her arms as Millard gasped in horror.

“Mox, she’s our boss!”

“No, it’s fine, Millard,” said Elektriza with a wave of her hand. “Your wife is just…how do I say this without being offensive…retarded.”

“Does immaturingly insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single, life?”

Elektriza leaned in toward Moxxia. “Yes it does, actually.”

Chandra appeared to agree, because he added to Moxxia, “The only reason you have a husband is because you’re easy to manage.”

“No she’s not, you turd!” Millard yelled, holding up two middle fingers.

“Do not talk to my assistant that way!” Elektriza demanded. “He’s sensitive!”

“Yes I am!” Chandra barked. 

Then a squeaky voice sounded from nearby: “You guys are all fucking assholes.”

Everyone turned and stared at a girl wearing an orange shirt with a planet on it. She had curly brown hair, white skin and was connected to a monitor.

Elektriza pointed at her. “Oh shut up, kid, you’re lucky to witness this.”

Moxxia pinched her nose and sighed in frustration. “Ugh, this company’s such a mess!”

“Did someone call me?” Preppy’s voice rang from the hallway. He opened the door a crack. “I can clean up any messes you may have!”

“No!” Moxxia called. “Go away!”

Preppy slowly closed the door.

An awkward silence…

“Alright, let’s get back to talking about my outfit!” Elektriza said out of nowhere.

“Nobody was talking about that,” Chandra mentioned. 

“Which is why I’m trying to get that ball rolling, so how does it look? It’s good, right?”

The kid ripped off the wires from her stomach. 

“It was hell pretending to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn’t kill me, but now? I want that. I want death. You!” she pointed to Elektriza. “You’re a selfish, greedy clown. And I’m a kid! We’re supposed to like clowns…even the creepy ones!”

Moxxia scoffed. “Hey now, that’s not very…”

The kid cut her off. “If I wanted to talk to a spineless jackass bitch, I’d rip out your spine and ask you some shit.”

Moxxia shivered in fear.

“That’s my wife you’re talking to!” Millard yelled.

The kid snickered. “That’s your wife?! I figured you for a man whore, but I didn’t know you needed it that bad! Fucking with an old lady, ha!” 

Millard fumed at his wife being called ugly and weak. To think that he would have sex with anyone else at random…

“And you!” The kid pointed at Chandra.

“Yeah? What about me?” Chandra asked. 

The kid crossed her arms and smirked. “Nothing. I don’t talk to dogs. I’m a cat person.”

Chandra whined before turning back to his phone.

“Wow,” said Elektriza. “You know, kid, you kind of are a piece of shit.”

“Oh you gotta admit, she’s good,” Moxxia muttered.

A ding came from Chandra’s phone. He smiled. “Oh fuck guys, I just got a text from our client. Guess she was the right target after all.”

“Who?” Elektriza asked.

“Her.”

“Me?” asked the kid.

“Yep,” he confirmed.

“They wanted us to kill an actual child?” Elektriza asked.

“That’s what they’re saying,” Chandra said.

Elektriza grinned and twirled a gun in her hand. Her job just got more fun and easier. “Well Christ on a stick, I guess there is a god!” She fired and shot the girl in the chest. She flopped down dead with a yell in a pool of blood, smoke and sparks lingering in the air. 

Elektriza spoke about I.M.P.: “You know folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we’re capable of doing the same things anyone else can, like killing people. So from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money is gone and you’re never getting it back and you can write us a bad review but we’ll play dumb to it because it’s Hell and no one fucking cares.”

Elektriza, Moxxia and Millard kicked the dead kid on the floor, enjoying themselves. Blood coated the floor and walls. Chandra snapped a picture with his phone. After the imps left with the body, Preppy came in and gasped.

“Well, time to clean this up. What a mess!” He hummed a happy tune as he mopped up the blood at rapid speed.

Elektriza and Moxxia wore gas masks and green suits as Elektriza sawed off the girl’s arm and Moxxia sawed her chest, organs spilling out into a sack below. Millard tossed an arm into the sack and Chandra held it open. Moxxia dropped the girl’s severed head inside and shared a loving smile with her husband.

Etched in red graffiti on a dumpster behind them were the words “Devil,” “Hell,” “Happy Hotel,” and “I’m always chasing rainbows.” A pentagram, and wide smiles were also doodled on the surface.

Elektriza embraced the entire group in a forceful hug, knocking the phone from Chandra’s hands. 

“You know, even though this kid was a target, she’s still a child. It’s important that we’ve handled this going forward, respectfully.” She wrapped her long tail around the group, all of them smiling genuinely. For despite all their problems, they were still a company family.

Back in the human world, a crying blonde father wearing a pink shirt held up a paper saying “missing girl.” Below in large letters on the news was: “Dad sucks at drawing own kid!”

The father spoke into the microphone, “Please, if anyone has seen my little Ellie…”

He gasped as a sack dropped into his hands. He and the news reporter looked up to see a smiling Elektriza, Millard, and Moxxia through a portal up above.

“You’re welcome!” Elektriza called with a wave before the portal closed. 

The father looked inside the bag and screamed. “My daughter! She’s dead! Noooooo!”


End file.
